Dear Branson Police Chief Carroll McCullough,
I hope life is treating you well.
It's been a while since we've had one of our "special talks", though I can't say that I miss them much. Though it is a pity our friendship must end, for me, I must admit, it is not with sorrow.
Let's keep our direct conversation with the presence of attorneys in our upcoming meetings with the court.
I'll be sending a request tomorrow for your telephone records as an effective internal investigation within Branson City Hall seems to evade you. To imagine, that a crime could be committed at Branson City Hall at 9:01 September 1st 2008 using your very own digital equipment and you can't even track it?
Though it's impossible to induce whether incompetence or corruption is the cause of your failure - it seems probable that we have a combination of both before us.
I believe raising the cost of Sunshine Requests for my media corporation from 100 dollars a year to $425,000 thousand a year is both excessive and illegal. However, curiosity often gets the best of me; the two documents trailing your personal "corrupt collaboration" with - what's his name - Peter Tsackofsheetis - in addition to the record of "Dirty Branson Cops" making threatening phone calls to citizens well worth the price of dinner and a movie as you've proposed - so, I'll bite and fork out the cash at the premium you've quoted. (I'll be picking those up soon).
But the purpose of this dispatch is not pleasure - oh no! This is to ask for your services.
I may need actors when the book I'm writing becomes a low budget film.
Now, my laywer tells me that it's important to inform you no likeness of any character is made after a real person - living or dead ! In fact, one of the Chief Characters - Police Chief Carroll "Boss Hog" Mangina has nothing whatsoever to do with you though his likeness is very similar. When the movie is being made I'd love to hire you for contract work (I'm sure you're familiar with these types of arrangements).
There is going to be a particular scene where Carroll "Boss Hog" Mangina defecates on the grave of a veteran and wipes himself with the Bill of Rights (both of which I believe make the same point).
Your experience with the Branson Police Department under the Branson Mayor Raeanne Presley's administration this year proves you're suitable, qualified, experienced and perfect for the role.
Darin Patrick Codon